To Heal a Grieving Heart

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” ? — Rumi

Nothing and nobody can prepare one for loss of a dear one. But talking about the experience and experiencing it personally are two very different things. Nothing and nobody can be prepared for it.

Though no words can justify the emotions but if one is really forced to put them in words then vaguely it would feel like — extreme pain somewhere inside beyond any comparison, a sinking feeling haunts every single moment of the day, the vacuum-like emptiness does not leave one's side, the yearning to have 'at least one more day with the loved one' doesn't end, but this is not all. The overwhelming emotions of loss and void just seem to trample one, leaving one exhausted and gasping for some anchor, some foundation to hold on to. There is no set pattern of grieving and every individual goes through this phase in a very unique way. Doreen Virtue and James Van Praagh in their book How to Heal a Grieving Heart write, “Grief, like love, is immeasurable. No one loves the same, not grieves the same. Some people demonstrate their sorrow openly, while others keep it deep within their being. It is a very personal, human and spiritual experience.”

(Un)knowingly we tend to define our identity with the relationships that we form with other individuals here in our mortal bodies. Going away of one of these — a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a child or a dear friend — makes one question life itself. One feels as if one is to re-learn to live minus that very significant one. Logic and reason don't work at times like these for a grieving heart and soul. In spite of the wisdom that everyone seems to carry right from the very early age that everyone has to go and it is the cycle of life; yet when it comes to actually facing that time, one feels quite ill-equipped and unprepared.

What the bereaved heart needs at that time is an empathetic support, a compassionate shoulder to cry on and a non-judgmental listener. The best that the support system can do at that time is to observe patience and wait for the person to slowly stand again mending a broken heart. Questioning the dejected person, “Why are you taking so long to come out of mourning”, or trying to give advice, does not help, rather it alienates the person further.As Sheryl Sandberg (COO, Facebook) in her letter, post the loss of her husband says,“Real empathy is sometimes not insisting that it will be okay but acknowledging that it is not.”

With family sizes getting reduced and people being connected virtually more than physically, the support system that was so naturally available earlier is dwindling now. Most of the times, one grapples with the changed reality on one's own. The lifestyles and times have changed, and not many have the patience, energy and compassion to offer that warm, unconditional support. Most often, the grief=stricken person needs to make an effort to crawl out from darkness of dejection to the light of hope. Experts suggest some proven strategies that may help one through a healthy and effective grief experience — Be gentle with yourself and be patient, take care of your body, demand the right to grieve in your own way, cling to hope — things do get better, trust the grief as a best friend, don't try to numb the experience by any external aids'.

For many it is nothing less than catharsis as one faces the reality of life from so close. As one slowly learns to carry on with the life once again, there are a few things which help along the way to set pace on the path to recovery. Resuming the earlier set routine and the activities that one earlier engaged in are the easiest things to start from, although even the simplest tasks seem to demand much more effort now. It helps to bring back the faith on whatever that brings peace for the person. Long walks, yoga, meditation, chanting, listening to discourses, reading and similar such activities, help bring some succour to the battered soul.

One thing one must remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no time limit to it either. It is a human emotion that must be duly acknowledged and gradually time does put healing balms on the wounds. Though the mark of a wound will always remain but then who wants to erase the memories anyway.

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?”

— Khalil Gibran

This appeared in 'The Tribune' on 23rd Aug, 2015. 

कविता : बस वही

बूँदें तो कम नहीं बिखरी हर तरफ मेरे
पर आस है उस एक बूँद की जो भिगो दे अंतर मन को
चातक भी तो बैठा है स्वाति नक्षत्र की राह में
क्यों नहीं संतुष्ट होता वह किसी भी बूँद से

हरियाली की चादर तो ओढ़ी है कई बार इस धरा ने
पर उस ठूँठ को तो इंतज़ार है बस उसी कोम्पल का
जो करे जीवन को अंकित उस टहनियों के पिंजर में
ताकि हो जाए एहसास उस ठूँठ को भी तरु होने का

रिश्ते नाते तो बहुत बनाते निभाते हैं हम यहां
पर हो जाते हैं कुछ सम्बन्ध सदा के लिए अजर अमर
कि बस एक अपने से सम्बोधन को ढूँढता है फिर यह मन
वही भाव, वही भावना, वही स्नेह कहीं और कहाँ

Book Review : Scion of Ikshvaku

Title : Scion of Ikshvaku (Ram Chandra Series I)

Author : Amish

Publisher : Westland Ltd.

I remember the time when I had finished reading 'The Immortals of Meluha', the first of the Shiva Trilogy by Amish. It was a marathon reading as the book was truly unputdownable. I marveled at the creativity of the author and his brilliance of connecting dots beyond one's imagination. I had a lot to write while compiling its review.

Another first of another series, this time it is Ram Chandra Series. Again a fast paced, engaging and readable book. While putting down the review I have again a lot to write about the story and the writing style.

In India, growing up with stories form mythology is a very natural thing and stories from Ramayana and Mahabharata form a major part of that experience. There is no point writing about the story but then even the author has not told the same story. He has just picked the characters from the saga and the major events from it but the situations leading to those events and the portrayal of the same characters are completely different. In fact it is so different that one doesn’t see any connection with the great epic that we identify with. Actually he has taken creative liberties with the story to such an extent that barely the skeleton resembles the age old saga now, nothing else. 

Author's great level of imagination and creativity are undoubtedly applaud worthy. The way he pieces things together talks highly about his intelligence and with the mention of a prospective land - Meluha, he just nailed it completely.

Rama considered a bad-omen by Dashrath, Manthra's character as a power wielding entity, her daughter as a benevolent healer, Sita and Urmila as ministers of their state, Swayamvar setting, fun-filled relationship between Ram and Sita, weakening  empire Mithila - are just a few things which completely deviate from our impressions and understanding of the story. 

There are some high points and sections which rise meritoriously making the readers fall in love with the proceedings. However, there are parts where the narrative falters in terms of expected excitement and interest. Amish has tried to give some contemporary touches to the mythological story, like - gender equality, Roshni's case (on the lines of Nirbhaya's tragedy), juvenile justice -to name a few. However, some of these attempts seem superimposed and do not gel well with the natural flow.

So my verdict, if anybody cares, one can read it as just a fictional story having no connection with Ramayana that we know.  Would I look forward to the next in the series? - I doubt.

सीख लिया है मैंने भी अब खाना बनाना

सीख लिया है मैंने भी अब खाना बनाना
पहचानने लगी हूँ हर मसाले की खुशबू को मैं भी
सब्ज़ी का ताजापन भी अपना एहसास कराने लगा है I
कुछ ऐसी चीज़ें जो पहले महत्त्वहीन सी लगतीं,
अब पता चल गया है उनका स्वभाव मुझे भी I
लुप्त रह कर किसी की जान कैसे बना जाता है
बोध कराया हैं इन्हीं छोटी छोटी चीज़ों ने मुझे I

धनिया पुदीना जो पहले एक से जान पड़ते थे
आज पता है कितने स्वाद के भण्डार समेटे हैं ये I
खाना बनाना और फिर उसे अपनों के लिए परोसना
सच में एक अनुपम सुख देता है यह एहसास
इस भावना को जीना भी तो तुमसे ही सीखा है
जाने अनजाने आ जाती हो मेरी आँखों के सम्मुख
सम्बोधित करके मुझे दिखा जाती हो राह सही सी

सीख लिया है मैंने भी अब खाना बनाना
पर मन में कसक सी होती है उस महक की
जो आती थी तुम्हारी बनाई रसोई से सदा
वही सब चीज़ें तो हैं अब भी, यहां भी
मसाले भी दो ज़्यादा ही होंगे,  कम नहीं
पर क्यों एक कमी सी रह जाती है सब में फिर भी
क्यों नहीं मिलता वह स्वाद वही रस

शायद हाथों का ही जादू होगा उस स्वाद में कहीं
प्यार का ही रूप होगा उस महक में रचा-बसा
स्नेह से बना कर बिठा कर खिलाती थीं तुम
तब समझ नहीं पायी कैसा संतोष पाती थीं तुम
आज भी वह चेहरा आँखों में समाया रहता है
काश एक बूँद और मिल जाए उस ममता के सागर से
काश उस महक में बिता सकूँ दो पल फिर से कभी I

One Flew Over the Empty Nest

It is that time of the year again when a big change is in offing in many households in which kids outgrow the schooling phase of their lives and are ready to enter college and hostel world.Admission in dream engineering/medical/law colleges is taken, seat secured by paying the fees, hostel room is finalised, important dates are marked in the calendar and the stage is set for the next phase. Preparation begins in full swing for the soon-to-be hosteller — keeping in mind what all he/she would require over there — from toiletries to laptops and phones — all are lovingly selected and purchased.

Finally, the day arrives when the new collegiates leave. While these young adults are eager to experience the charming world that awaits them, there is a set of individuals — the parents, who find themselves in an unfamiliar territory.

It begins from the moment parents reach home and an eerie silence greets them. After having spent every moment of their lives thinking and planning about their kids, continuously for almost 18 to 20 years, it is not easy to accept that suddenly there is no one at home who needs their care. This phase is often termed as empty-nest syndrome because it is actually the letting-go part which is difficult. One misses being part of the daily lives of one's children's and their constant companionship. Often, this time coincides with the mid-life phase of the parents when they start experiencing slowly declining faculties, decreasing energy levels along with some physical and emotional issues which ring mild signals that the peak of life is about to bid them goodbye. Reena, a happy mother as her daughter is going to Amritsar for her M.B.B.S., shares, “I feel as if there is no meaning in life anymore. I will have to learn to live without being a part of my daughter's busy schedule. I had completely forgotten about anything else for the last 17 years."

A few decades back this phase used to scare people as it was almost synonymous with depression and loneliness, but not so anymore. Like many other health issues, empty-nest syndrome is a well studied issue now and people are aware what to expect and how to handle the symptoms wisely when that period of life comes. Experts’ advise that one must not shirk from taking this phase head on and seek support and stay positive. To begin with, accept the change graciously. Give a pat on your back for having raised and a responsible child who is all set to make his/her own mark in the world in his/her own small or big way. Experience and enjoy the feeling of freedom from some responsibilities. Approach this phase of life as a chance to explore yet another world of opportunities and interesting avenues.

The parents get time as a couple and the opportunity to reconnect with each other again, to improve the quality of their relationship and rekindle their common interests. Pick any new hobby or some activity that you have always desired to learn, start a routine, engage in some philanthropic activity, join some hobby club like a reading or a cookery club, start writing a diary, exercise the green thumb that you may have, join a yoga class, start meditating, go on long drives alone or with the spouse, enjoy the togetherness of the two of you and sometimes just the silence.

One just needs to change the perspective and the point of view, take it as a beginning of another innings when there is no end to what one can do, learn and engage in. So, why not play on the front foot this time! Madhavi’s second child went to hostel last year. She shares , “Initially it was very hard adjusting to the empty house, more so, as I am a homemaker but eventually I started finding things that interested me but I had lost somewhere while taking care of kids. I have picked up my lost passion - fabric painting again. I have started a healthy routine. It feels like I am living for myself for the first time.'

• According to a research by Karen L. Fingerman, a psychologist, most parents now enjoy greater freedom, a reconnection with their spouses and more time to pursue their own goals and interests once their children leave home. In her study, most parents report that seeing a child walk the path toward successful adulthood gives them a feeling of joy and pride. Most importantly, the parent/child relationship actually improves for many parents and kids when children leave home. While the kids are all set to write something of their own on the canvas of life, the parents get fresh opportunities to paint their canvas anew with something unique reflecting the volume and substance of the years spent.

This article appeared in 'The Tribune' on 12th July, 2015

Book Review : The Seeker

Title : The Seeker

Author : Karan Bajaj

Publisher : Penguin India

It so turned out that the books that I picked up for reading this summer kept leading me to the logical next and further on in my pursuit to know and understand things better, as if it was all pre-planned and ordained to happen. Although  I am far removed from understanding the meaning of life and getting even a glimpse of the elusive peaceful state of mind but the dots that are joining through these books are bringing in some form of solace and respite. Just wondering if it is Alchemist's message getting validated in real life - nature conspiring in some way to satisfy the urge from within.

Happened to pick 'The Seeker', seeing it on the stands of a book store, along with J.P. Vaswani's book - Thoughts Life has Taught Me. Written by Karan Bajaj, this book is again a person's journey to know the purpose of life. In more cases than one this kind of desperation gets kindled when one goes through extreme emotions like - near death experience, loss of a loved one or similar such situation. During such life changing experiences, many questions cloud a mind and one keeps wondering and questioning about what is beyond what is visible to the eye. The urge to know more and know better keeps one unsettled till one begins on some path to everlasting peace.

In 'The Seeker', Maximus Pzoras, a Harvard economist and Wall Street Banker calls it quits soon after his mother's demise. In order to find reason for human suffering, despair and pain, he sets out on a journey from New York to the snow capped Himalayas first, then to an ashram in South India and finally to the Himalayas again. He realises that it is the mind that needs to be conditioned to stay silent. 'Mind is always on fire. It violates every yogic percept, claiming it wants enlightenment when it craves pleasure, coveting the comfort of chatter, committing violence when it thinks negatively. Mind knows no contentment, no peace, no maturity.'

In order to find the truth behind the statement, “So if there is birth, age, suffering, sorrow and death, then there must be something that is un-born, un-aging, un-ailing, sorrow-less and deathless, immortals as it were" Max progresses from one stage to another and experiences an inner transformation.The bondages, attachments, worldly pleasures that earlier enticed and seduced him, slowly settle down and so do the bodily discomforts. The book actually walks the readers through an adventurous journey where the protagonist is equally unsure and unsettled to begin with but gradually the clouds of confusion start diffusing giving way to clarity and assuredness.

After reading this book, the learning gets reconfirmed that there is a right time for everything when the mind, soul and body actually get ready to receive it. The receptiveness of these three faculties conjoin to convey the message to the nature which then conspires to make it happen in its own discreet way.

Karan Bajaj has done a great job in bringing out the inner feelings and emotions of a person on the journey to self realization. The detail and depth in his writing validates how keenly he must have experienced the emotions and how deeply he must have observed the progressive changes. He talks highly about the significance of selfless service and silence while mentioning various means and mediums in order to stabilize the mind. He touches upon the concepts of - power of yoga and meditation, good and bad karma and the outcomes of the same, rebirth theory and much more and the way they are pieced together, make it all very logical. While reading through the book, one may not even realise but one eventually gets a glimpse of how 'Tattvam asi'  - the enlightened state - would be.

Tattvam asi means - You are That (That is God), which means aligning oneself with that supreme power as one is actually a part of that complete whole.

This book has already gone in the list of 'Literary Sojourn Recommends' for this year.

Book Review : Man's Search for Meaning

Title : Man's Search for Meaning

Author : Viktor E. Frankl

Publisher : Rider Books

ISBN : 978-1-84-604124-2

If one can  remember only one thing from this book it should be this - 'He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How.'

There are plenty of self-help books that one can choose from if one so wants but there are just a few which can really be called 'life changing'. Viktor Frankl's - Man's Search for Meaning is one of those few books which have the potential of influencing a reader's perspective towards life for good. It is in fact a memoir of the author while he spent the years from 1942 to 1945 in four different camps, including Auschwitz.

In the first section of the book he recounts his time spent in the camp and how he managed to stay alive in the midst of hopelessness, desperation and death. What makes his account of the concentration camp stand apart is his evaluation of the situation through psychological perspective. He studies the impact of extremely adverse conditions on different individuals which gives him enough fodder to think about how personalities and characters are formed. Living under dehumanized circumstances, losing one's identity including one's name, working as living corpse, no contact with any loved one, no visibility of the end to that ordeal - were not ordinary conditions;  yet finding meaning in life became the only important thing in order to survive the camp. He realised that there must be some bigger purpose for living than succumbing to the situation and giving up. He believes, 'you cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you feel and do about what happens to you.' 

In the second section Frankl shares how he used the lessons that he learnt during his years 'from death-camps to existentialism' to formulate the doctrine of Logotherapy. 'It focuses on the meaning of human existence as well as on man's search for such a meaning. According to logotherapy, the striving to find a meaning in one's life is the primary motivational force in man.' Frankl actually beckons the readers to invoke the abundant power that each individual possesses to mould the way any situation is approached and is responded to. Moreover the turbulent and testing times are the ones which build strength of character and make a person triumphant personally and spiritually.

One can go over this book time and again in case accepting adverse circumstances becomes an issue. This is the reason many people who confront situations like - personal sickness, suffering, loss of a loved one, often turn to this book and find the much needed succour and perspective. 

मेरी वसीयत तुम्हारे नाम -

उन गेंदे के फ़ूलों में मिल जायेगी झलक मेरी
सूखे फ़ूलों को मंदिर से उठा कर डाला था जहां
तब तो मुरझा कर धरती में समां गए थे वे फ़ूल
यकीं है नयी ज़िन्दगी का संचार करते होंगे अब वहाँ

हाथों से रोम्पी थी कुछ आँगन की मिट्टी
अभी भी मेरी उँगलियों के निशाँ पाओगे वहाँ कहीं
नयी तुलसी फ़ूट पड़ी होगी उसी कोने में फ़िर
मौसम के साथ बूढी हो दे जायेगी बीज अपना

चमेली के झाड़ पर लगी होंगी कलियाँ फ़िर से
अपनी हलकी खुशबू से महकाती होंगी घर भर को
तुलसी के पत्तों के साथ जोड़ कर माला बुन देना कभी
हो जाएगा श्रृंगार छोटे बाल गोपाल का मेरे उस से

सहेज कर कुछ यादें रखी थीं उस अलमारी में
कुछ पैगाम जो मेरे नाम मिल जाएँगे वहीँ कहीं
गीली न करना आँखें अपनी, उन यादों में खो कर
सुकून दिया था उन लिखी पंक्तियों ने मुझे बहुत कभी

रखा था एक संदूक भी उसी अलमारी में ऊपर
छोटी बड़ी चीज़ें रखती थी तुम्हारे लिए जिसमें
जैसा भी है दे देना उसे जगह अपने पास में ही
कभी खाली न पाओगे उस संदूक को तुम अब भी कभी

लिखा था कुछ थोड़ा बहुत मनन करने के लिए अपने
वास्तव में जीवन दर्शन छुपा है उनमें ही कहीं
ले जा सकते हो तो ले जाओ, साथ मेरे आशीर्वाद के
जब भी पढोगे, पाओगे मेरा प्रतिबिम्ब उन सब में भी

वह कोना जहाँ बीत गए ज़िन्दगी के कई सावन
हो सके तो सूना न होने देना उस कोने को तुम कभी
मेरी भक्ति की शक्ति है उस जगह पर समायी
जो तुम्हारे लिए बरसेगी सदा आशीष बन कर

मेरे जीवन का मकसद था तुम से, पूरा हुआ है जो अब
आशा है लगे हो तुम अपने जीवन के मकसद की राह पर
जी जान लगा देना जो निर्धारित है तुम्हें कर्म
और समर्पित कर देना उस ईश्वर के चरणों में सब

माँ थी तुम्हारी, माँ रहूँगी सदा
वह जगह कभी रिक्त न होगी रहा यह वादा
मेरा अंश है तुम में कैसे बदल सकता है यह
जब भी मन से पुकारोगे पाओगे अपने पास तुम

Godrej Expert

Book Review : Being Mortal

Title : Being Mortal

Author : Atul Rawande

Publisher : Penguin Books Ltd.

'Doctors are trained to keep their patients alive as long as possible. But they are never taught how to prepare people to die. And yet for many patients, particularly the old and terminally ill, death is a question of when, not it.'

While one cannot underestimate the boons of medical science in a human's life, the other side of it cannot be ignored altogether. Thanks to research and advancements, we are able to witness a polio free world, reduced rates of child mortality, lesser complications in child birth, cures of diseases which were earlier fatal - to just name a few. However, we cannot completely overlook the fact that medicine has made dying really complicated and difficult.

And this is what Dr. Atul Rawande talks about in his book - Being Mortal.

Modern healthcare has increased the life span of average human beings from 60s and 70s to 80s and 90s. While medical science has done wonders in prolonging the life of the physical body but ageing of the body is beyond any science and as a result more and more elderly people end up in a phase where their frail bodies and other faculties need assistance.

Atul Gawande has rightly pointed out, 'In the past few decades, medical science has rendered obsolete centuries of experience, tradition and language about our mortality and created a new difficulty for mankind : how to die.'

It makes the readers introspect and many questions start clouding the mind - what is the right time to let go, when should medicinal intervention back off and let the person exit gracefully, respectfully and peacefully; what percentage of quality of life can be compromised for the quality or vice versa; where should one go when a patient is beyond any medicine or doctor; how does one wait for the final time knowing that it is approaching fast; where is the support for the affected and the family and many more. There is a high probability that each one of us will have to confront these questions in one's lifetime either for oneself or for some loved one.

Atul Gawande talks about nursing homes and other facilities in US which help an individual continue to have normal life as far as possible. Later he also talks about how one can die peacefully and gracefully and the organisations that are working to make it happen. People are recongnising the need of setups like Hospice care and other residential facilities which can spare a person from piercing needles and confined-to-bed state.

Towards the end he shares his own father's last stage of life from a tumour of the spine. He shares his emotions as a shocked and concerned son and as an informed surgeon but eventually her knows, he needs to pose the right question to his father in order to choose the right course moving forward. 

Book Review : A Book of Simple Living

Title : A Book of Simple Living

Author : Ruskin Bond

Publisher : Speaking Tiger

'The cosmos has all the genius of simplicity.'

Start reading first paragraph and one embarks on a journey into a world where time is no longer a constraining factor and where nature guides everything. Ruskin Bond offers a small peak into his routine and one gets to see the beauty in the simplicity of life. The way he describes his room and the window which opens into three different worlds - the mountains, the sky and the road - is fascinating. At least for the time when one is reading his words, one  gets transported to the same room amidst the same surroundings  - the never changing hills, the full of movement road and the author's preferred view, the sky. He feels the sky is never the same, it is always filled with beautiful hues from the divine palette.

As the much acclaimed author pays befitting tribute to nature, he subtly conjures the readers to acknowledge the presence of co-inhabitants of our mother earth, admiring their uniqueness and paying obeisance to the natural scheme of things. He shows us the side of the world and life which in the fast time-bound schedules, we are fast losing touch with. He talks about various flora and fauna that fill his life with colour, fragrance, music and liveliness. He has ample time - to listen to every natural sound, to drink in the scent of wild flowers and leaves and to observe tiny creatures minding their business.

'Live close to nature and your spirit will not be easily broken, for you learn something of patience and resilience. You will not grow restless and you will never feel lonely.'

He then talks about various other things, vicissitudes of life, his love and longing, his writings, how a new topic comes knocking at his door or through his window, the reassurance that one looks for at certain times and many memorable moments spent in the lap of nature. The narrative is abound with characters like cicadas, magpies, field mice, spiders, swallows, maidenhair fern, geraniums, marigolds, chrysanthemums, pines, oaks, walnut trees, tall deodars, maple, chestnut and many more names. There is a background score in the narrative which is sometimes bubbling mountain river, orchestra of crickets or rustling of leaves. The landscape keeps changing colours from pristine snow white, verdant green to riot of fall colours.

The simplicity of his life, his writing is just fascinating and one needs to read it to feel it, because he writes to connect. In his words, 'I want my readers to feel what I feel, to see what I see, and big words and big sentences come in the way of this sharing. It is clarity and honesty that I am striving to attain; there can be no lasting connection with my readers without these. And to be clear and open is to be simple.'

The reason why I cannot stop admiring the book is because it somehow aligns with my own feelings when I am close to nature. In the written words, I could actually read some of my own feelings that nature sparks

in me. While I get immersed in my daily routine, I often dream and long for - being in a wide open expanse of land adorned with verdure  or walking on a narrow pathway guarded by thick trees with huge canopies or driving on a thin serpentine road merging into the folds of mighty mountains or gazing at the endlessly stretched firmament to my heart's content or watching raindrops fall on the ground willingly accepting their new identity in unison with other companions. Just the thought of these bring in a deep sense of peace, perspective and a connection with someone supreme in every single entity.

Don’t let the beauty of the nature pass by unnoticed, unacknowledged and unregistered because it is the simplest and purest form of beauty. Let it tickle every sensory nerve of one's being.